I just don't know anymore. As I see myself getting older and knowing that things change, I find myself in a repeating pattern. I'm lazy at dating, keeping the house clean and maintaining relationships. It's so easy to blame the march of time, but why do we have to change and accept it? I do everything I can from getting wrinkles, but can't seem to maintain my body, I knit and knit and knit, but never seem to get anywhere. What does it mean to be a grown-up? Am I one, am I not? I don't have a mortgage and no kids in sight, but I have furbabies and school loans. There's an artist in me that has too many ideas that I go in circles and never sit down long enough to do anything.
This weekend reminded me that changes happen around me and I'm not immune.
I came across an old teacher of mine from art school. I've always remembered her and was surprised, that she remembered me. I have a good friend who has been going through some things but has kept me out of loop and the lack of proper communication, misunderstandings, assumptions and stubbornness may have driven us apart. I try to surround myself with a variety of friends who I can learn from, who accept me and allow me to grow.
Can I grow younger please?
Okay, back to needlework based talk. I have been obsessed with a book about Lettering for Hand Stitchers, it's awesome, I got it from the library, it's out of print. A used copy varied from $80 dollars to upwards of $1000. I have looked and research and trolled the internet and eventually found it, in an ebay auction of a lot of 5 books. In the lot, the four other books are worth less the 10 bucks total yet I eagerly paid 20 for the lot, because my book is in it! I can't wait to get it in the mail.
At one time I used this blog as therapy, it was easy to type down what was in my head instead of talking to myself. I wish I could do that now, but some of my friends occasionally read this. I guess instead of just keeping it inside I should just be real and honest.
I need to embrace change, but only on my terms.
2 comments:
I found your blog quite by accident and read it thinking how much you remind me of me - the aging issues, family issues... I appreciate your sharing, reminding me I am no solo in this stuff.
Hang in there Darling, remember, life is a process and we learn all the way through. What you are learning about yourself now will be useful at some other time in your life. Thank you for writing your thoughts. I too am reminded of my younger self when I read them. It all worked out for me and it will for you too.
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